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Thursday, March 22, 2012
Let it be known that today, March 22nd 2012, I spent an 85 degree day at the ocean. I dipped my feet in the frigid waters of the Atlantic, sat on the rocks, basked in the sun, collected trinkets at the beach, and gained a few dozen freckles. It was glorious.
The past week has been absolutely gorgeous-- and I don't mean that in the sense that I usually do at this time of year. Once upon a time, I considered 45 degrees and sunny to be the mildest March weather. In a traditional New Hampshire spring, a 45 degree day is rare, and one can generally count on a Nor'easter to sweep the region in the days following. But this week has been the warmest on record; five consecutive days of sun, blue skies, and temperatures above 75 degrees.
In many ways, I am taking the events of this week as a sign from the heavens. On Monday, I had a long talk with God. Since October, I have been an emotional wreck. I haven't allowed myself to be truly happy or appreciative of the blessings around me, and I've fallen away from the confidence and happiness that I have spent the past four years creating for myself.
Much of this emotional unrest has had to do with a relationship that I fell into at the beginning of the fall. In December, all that I had invested in this relationship-- my love, care, time, trust, expectations, physical and spiritual being, personal standards, happy moments, heartfelt discussions, and shared experiences-- was ripped away. I felt shipwrecked, trying to cling to one of these things to stay afloat as dark waves crashed over me. But collecting splintered wood will not help to restore the majesty of the ship.
As the weeks and months went on I tried to keep life in the relationship, even as friends. I am not the sort of person who will push people out of my life. I try as hard as I can to maintain contact and good feelings with others, and the months following our breakup were no different. My friends told me that I had every right to be angry at him--- he was the one who dumped me, after all-- but I still thought that kindness, interest, and friendly outreach would help us both to move on. After too many nights of frustrating conversations, lukewarm interactions, and angry tears, I asked God to show me what He wanted me to see in this situation.
Since my Monday conversation with God, I have been feeling lighter, clearer, and warmer. I have been able to let go of the feelings that have gripped my heart and soul for the past four months. It will take a long time before I can completely move on from this, but God has shown me what He wants me to focus on right now: my future.
The future can be so unclear sometimes. When you're young it looms ahead of you on the path of life, making every step toward it seem like a great burden. Sometimes it looks green and bright, like a beautiful spring day inviting you to run toward it and bask in its glory. Other times it can act like a fat black thundercloud threatening to block out the sun. The funny thing about it is that as long as you walk, and as many steps as you take, you never really get any closer. New experiences wait for you along the path, and sometimes you gather new friends as you walk along.
This week, God has revealed the future as a beautiful spring day. His reminders to me have been in the clear blue skies, the new green grass, the timid purple flowers, the cool and caressing breeze, and the warm sunshine on my skin. My future will be clear, bright, and happy.