Friday, May 20, 2011

Finally Home

Well, I've been finished with my final exams, papers, and projects for a week now. Friends and classmates have packed up all their belongings and returned home, and after three days of washing and drying clothes, sorting socks, and folding and organizing my linens, shirts, dresses, shorts, and jeans, I think I'm finally ready to say that I'm home for the summer.

But as much as I like sleeping in my own bed, eating home-cooked meals, playing with my animals, and being with my family, I desperately miss my life at school. When I'm at school, I feel so mature and organized. My life is straight-forward and scheduled, and I can be the person I want to be when I'm around my friends at school.

It's ironic that I have to guard myself around my own family so that I can keep peace in the household. My parents were both raised in Christian households and are somewhat comfortable in their faith, but neither my brother nor my sister have accepted Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior. It upsets me that as much as I try to live life as a Christian woman, my family does not always respect the faiths and denominations of others.

I really miss my friends who understand my devotion and my convictions in faith, and with whom I can talk freely about life. I especially miss that my friends are always there for me, no matter if they've had a difficult week. I love my parents, and I know they love me, but sometimes I feel that I am intruding on their time and happiness when I have a problem. When I was younger, I would run to my mom or dad for every little problem-- but now I feel that when I'm upset about something, they don't really want to hear about it. Even if it is something significant, I feel that I am more able to pray about it, ask my friends for advice, or just suppress it, rather than tell my parents how I feel. As I have grown I have come to see my parents as peers, because I have seen them struggle with financial, legal, logistical, and emotional problems just like any other person would. When you are young, you take for granted the fact that you have a roof over your head, food in your pantry, and clothing on your back; when you become an adult you begin to witness the daily sacrifices that your parents make in order to continue providing these things for you. The more I know about what goes on behind the scenes in my parents' lives, the less I want to contribute to the already heavy burden that they carry with my own life questions. I want them to be as happy as possible, and I feel that the best way for me to help this is to withdraw from them. And even if they had no other worries, I doubt they would want to hear about my insignificant problems.

It's just frustrating, because when I'm here away from my friends and peers at school, I don't think anyone in my family can comfort me or understand me the way I want to be understood. Perhaps this is a way that God is testing my faith-- asking me to come to Him before all others.

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