The Year in Review

 1. What was the single best thing that happened this past year?
Completing my senior Honors thesis in history and graduating Magna Cum Laude from my alma mater!

2. What was the single most challenging thing that happened?
Continuing to overcome disappointment in myself after a difficult breakup. I've found that the period after the end of a relationship is much like a period of mourning for me. I am filled with grief at losing someone I loved and respected, disappointment in my thoughts and actions, insecurity about myself, anger at the situation, and resentment that I entered into the relationship to begin with. It takes a long time for me to heal-- a year, give or take-- but I always learn and grow from the experience.

3. What was an unexpected joy this past year?
Gaining admission to the graduate program of my dreams! My GRE scores, a number of professors, and even some family members told me not to get my hopes up, but I just knew when I opened that email that I had been blessed! I am one of 13 students admitted to the class of 2013.

4. What was an unexpected obstacle?
Finding out just a few months before graduation that I would not be allowed to graduate with University Honors. I had struggled for nearly four years to complete requirements for the Honors Program, and after some misinformation in my final semester, I decided that the program was not worth the stress. I still graduated with multiple honors, because I was able to use the energy I had once spent on fighting the Honors Program to finish my senior year with a bang.

5. Pick three words to describe 2012.
Challenging, rewarding, revitalizing.

6. Pick three words your best friend would use to describe you in 2012.
 Silly, adorable, busy.

7. Pick three words your best friend would use to describe their 2012.
Stressful, fun, educational.

8. What were the best books you read this year?
Well, as I was cleaning out our attic over the summer, I found my grandmother's Bible in an old box. She passed away when my dad was in college, so I never got to meet her, but it's been a neat experience to hold something that was once dear to her. In my continued effort to read the Bible from cover to cover, I began reading this precious edition and found surprises inside! In the book of Zechariah, I found a bookmark with a prayer on it, and pressed between the pages of Matthew, a four-leaf clover has been preserved for almost 40 years!

In other news, I read (and re-read) some excellent literature, such as Pride and Prejudice, Dances with Wolves, Little Dorritt, and Game of Thrones.

9. With whom were your most valuable relationships?
My friends from school were wonderful this year. I valued each relationship differently because they each contributed something unique to my life. My friend Kelsey always makes me laugh, and is the best person to play boardgames and watch movies with. My friend Annie gives the most comforting hugs, and was always there to talk me through a tough time. Brittney is an inspiration to me-- the way she juggles graduate school, a full-time job, and a social life is amazing. Lily and Katie provide me with a lovely vacation home when I need to escape for a few days, and it's always a blast to venture to the big city with them. Grace listens to me and prays for me when I most need it, and is always ready for a lively debate about history. Alexa, Jillian, Zeb, Victoria, Leslie, Will, Brett, and all the rest of my Hubbardians kept me motivated to be the best student and role model I could be.

10. What was your biggest personal change from January to December of this past year?
Moving home from Hubbard after graduation was one of the biggest adjustments I've ever had to make. From the moment I moved in to my residence hall as a freshman, I was in love with the community. Hubbard is full of hard-working, sensible, motivated, and caring individuals, and I loved every moment of my time as there. Leaving it all behind in May was bittersweet. I knew that even though I would no longer be involved in the Hubbard community, the residents that I loved would continue to make it the best dorm on campus.

11. In what way(s) did you grow emotionally?
In early fall, I was feeling sorry for myself because all my friends had gone back to school or were living far away from me. I kept thinking how isolated my little town was, and how desperate I was for company.Then I realized that in just a few months, I would be embarking on the adventure of a lifetime. Since that realization, I have been cheerful, excited, and ambitious. My future awaits and I plan to make the best of it!

12. In what way(s) did you grow spiritually?
Around the same time as my emotional epiphany, I heard a song on the radio that I had not heard before. It was "Forgiveness," by Matthew West, and it spoke to my heart in a way that prayer, scripture, and worship had not done in a long time. I suddenly was reminded that God forgave my sins through His Son, and that in my quest to live like Jesus, I must also forgive those who have hurt me. After a night of many tears and prayers, I finally let go of the painful and shaming memories that had burdened me for a year or more.

13. In what way(s) did you grow physically?
I started running again over the summer, and in the past few months I have found a real desire to spend time outdoors. Of course, it is difficult to make it a daily occurrence in rural New Hampshire, with the unpredictable New England weather, but I do my best! I also read a book called The Yoga Body Diet, which helped me to profile my eating and exercise tendencies. It isn't a "diet" in the strict, depriving sense of the word, but rather a change in the way you eat and digest.

14. In what way(s) did you grow in your relationships with others?
I think that in some ways I became more effective at communicating my emotions. I tend to conceal my sadness or anger so as not to seem abrasive. But too many times I have waited for someone to comfort me, only to result in the frustration of both parties. Numerous times in 2012 I found myself in a difficult situation, and by acting on the emotional charge of the moment I was able to find a productive outlet that could be more easily communicated to others.

15. What was the most enjoyable part of your work (both professionally and at home)?
Working with children is an amazing experience, because it requires me to live what I teach. In 2012, I had so many opportunities to be a role model for the children in my community! I was a summer camp director, substitute teacher, and playgroup assistant. Each position varied in depth and duration, but I like to think that my involvement in the daily lives of the kids I work with has made a positive impression.

16. What was the most challenging part of your work (both professionally and at home)?
Being the bad guy. I don't like to be "the mean counselor" or "the strict teacher". It is tough to say "no" and stick with it. But I have high expectations for others, and I think that setting boundaries in school, camp, or playgroup, is the best way to ensure safety and respect for everyone.

17. What was your single biggest time waster in your life this past year?
Pinterest. Hands down. I don't necessarily think it is a waste of time, but when I consider all the mending or extra cleaning that I could have accomplished in the 15 minutes before dinner, it is definitely a time sucker.

18. What was the best way you used your time this past year?
Hehehe. I discovered that ironing and sewing while catching up on BBC dramas is not only an effective use of time, but it is a motivator for me to finish projects! If I have something really juicy to watch, like Little Dorritt or Sense and Sensibility, I am more likely to set aside the time to sew.

19. What was biggest thing you learned this past year?
I learned that sometimes the most coveted treasure is not worth the price. Sometimes, the thing you think you want most, is the thing that you cannot have. And while bemoaning your bad luck, you'll find unexpected blessings in the least obvious places.

20. Create a phrase or statement that describes 2012 for you.
"Keep going. Even on the foggiest day, you must believe in your own ability to navigate the road ahead."

Sunday Sentiment

 Yesterday, our family suffered a great loss. The youngest son of a family friend tragically passed away in a swimming accident. He was just 24, but had already lived a full and adventurous life. Although he grew up in a different state and we didn't get to see him very often, I thought of him almost as a distant older brother. Every year at Easter, he and his brother would join us in our egg hunt. After he and his family moved away, we only saw him once or twice a year-- at Christmas or Easter. Once, when I was seven or eight years old, we visited his new house in Vermont. We went to a play, and I rode with him and his brother on the way there. They told me that every time you passed a graveyard, you had to hold your breath until it was out of sight or the dead people would come after you. I think I believed that story until I was eleven or twelve years old. I remember he liked to collect camels figurines when he was young, and I saw his collection once. I wish I had gotten to know him better as I got older, because I so enjoyed hearing about his exploits and adventures in college and beyond. I last saw him in 2009 at the joyful occasion of his graduation from college. I hope that as his family and friends mourn the loss of him in this life, his gentle soul will continue to live on and comfort them until they meet again.

A Day Four Years in the Making

 

My friend Eva and I walked together at Commencement. Very appropriate because she was the first friend I made at UNH.

Gnarlz gives high-fives to Seniors as they begin to walk onto the field for the ceremony.

After the ceremony-- the graduate!

A Little Update

The past week has been a flurry of activity, emotion, and decision-making. So I guess it's time I update everyone what has been happening in my life.

1. My senior Honors thesis has been submitted for review. The next step is defending it against a committee. Considering I have worked on this process for nearly a year and a half, I'm not terribly concerned about the defense. If you are interested in reading my work to date, take a look at the site that I've created:  http://foresttofreshet.blogspot.com/
 

This is a Skymall image, but I like to think it was meant for me.

2. Tomorrow I will be inducted to Phi Beta Kappa, the oldest honor society in America. I was also inducted to Pi Delta Phi, the French honor society, on Tuesday.

3. Two weeks from tomorrow I will be graduating from college with a Bachelor of Arts degree in History! Yikes!

4. I have officially decided to attend George Washington University for my graduate program. However, I found out that if I defer from GWU for a year to work and live at home, I will be able to cut my potential loans in half. That's a difference of $40,000 in loans, folks. So, instead of rushing off to Washington, D.C. in June, I will be headed back to my hometown for a year to get myself on solid ground.

5. I've been very fragile lately, but with the help of my family, friends and mentors, I know that I can make it to the finish line. I've come so far in the past four years that even the biggest obstacles should seem small, but somehow I still get upset. I'm hurting in so many ways right now-- but I'm also rejoicing at the opportunities that are before me. Transitions and endings are difficult to say the least, but they are also a time of celebration and rebirth. It's up to me to keep focusing on the positive.

Spring is Here...and HOW!

Let it be known that today, March 22nd 2012, I spent an 85 degree day at the ocean. I dipped my feet in the frigid waters of the Atlantic, sat on the rocks, basked in the sun, collected trinkets at the beach, and gained a few dozen freckles. It was glorious.

The past week has been absolutely gorgeous-- and I don't mean that in the sense that I usually do at this time of year. Once upon a time, I considered 45 degrees and sunny to be the mildest March weather. In a traditional New Hampshire spring, a 45 degree day is rare, and one can generally count on a Nor'easter to sweep the region in the days following. But this week has been the warmest on record; five consecutive days of sun, blue skies, and temperatures above 75 degrees.

In many ways, I am taking the events of this week as a sign from the heavens. On Monday, I had a long talk with God. Since October, I have been an emotional wreck. I haven't allowed myself to be truly happy or appreciative of the blessings around me, and I've fallen away from the confidence and happiness that I have spent the past four years creating for myself.

Much of this emotional unrest has had to do with a relationship that I fell into at the beginning of the fall. In December, all that I had invested in this relationship-- my love, care, time, trust, expectations, physical and spiritual being, personal standards, happy moments, heartfelt discussions, and shared experiences-- was ripped away. I felt shipwrecked, trying to cling to one of these things to stay afloat as dark waves crashed over me. But collecting splintered wood will not help to restore the majesty of the ship.

As the weeks and months went on I tried to keep life in the relationship, even as friends. I am not the sort of person who will push people out of my life. I try as hard as I can to maintain contact and good feelings with others, and the months following our breakup were no different. My friends told me that I had every right to be angry at him--- he was the one who dumped me, after all-- but I still thought that kindness, interest, and friendly outreach would help us both to move on. After too many nights of frustrating conversations, lukewarm interactions, and angry tears, I asked God to show me what He wanted me to see in this situation.

Since my Monday conversation with God, I have been feeling lighter, clearer, and warmer. I have been able to let go of the feelings that have gripped my heart and soul for the past four months. It will take a long time before I can completely move on from this, but God has shown me what He wants me to focus on right now: my future.

The future can be so unclear sometimes. When you're young it looms ahead of you on the path of life, making every step toward it seem like a great burden. Sometimes it looks green and bright, like a beautiful spring day inviting you to run toward it and bask in its glory. Other times it can act like a fat black thundercloud threatening to block out the sun. The funny thing about it is that as long as you walk, and as many steps as you take, you never really get any closer. New experiences wait for you along the path, and sometimes you gather new friends as you walk along.

This week, God has revealed the future as a beautiful spring day. His reminders to me have been in the clear blue skies, the new green grass, the timid purple flowers, the cool and caressing breeze, and the warm sunshine on my skin. My future will be clear, bright, and happy.

Prayer for Cleansing and Pardon

Well, I'm back at school for my last semester as an undergraduate. It is really a bittersweet feeling-- and due to some unhappy circumstances at the end of last semester, I was very anxious about returning. For comfort, I had been working my way through the book of 2 Chronicles as well as the book of Psalms each night before bed. One night, not long ago, I prayed that God would give me the strength, courage, and grace to return to school and put things right. Then I opened my bible to this Psalm, Psalm 51:

"Have mercy on me, O God, according to your steadfast love; according to your steadfast mercy blot out my transgressions. Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin. For I know my transgressions and my sin is ever before me. Against you, you alone, have I sinned, and done what is evil in your sight, so that you are justified in your sentence and blameless when you pass judgement. Indeed, I was born guilty, a sinner when my mother conceived me. You desire truth in the inward being; therefore teach me wisdom in my secret heart. Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean; wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow. Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones that you have crushed rejoice. Hide your face from my sins, and blot out all my iniquities.
Create in me a clean heart, O God, and put a new and right spirit within me. Do not cast me away from your presence, do not take your holy spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and sustain in me a willing spirit. Then I will teach transgressors your ways, and sinners will return to you.
Deliver me from bloodshed, O God, O God of my salvation, and my tongue will sing aloud of your deliverance. O Lord, open my lips, and my mouth will declare your praise. For you have no delight in sacrifice; if I were to give you a burnt offering, you would not be pleased. The sacrifice acceptable to God is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise. Do good to Zion in your good pleasure; rebuild the walls of Jerusalem, then you will delight in right sacrifices, in burnt offerings and whole burnt offerings; then bulls will be offered on your altar."

Because I had strayed far from Him in the dark times of the past few months, I was finally broken. And because I came to God with my fears, my praises, and my sadness, He comforted me with words and actions. Praise the Lord, for He is good, and His steadfast love endures forever!

On This Historic Day...

10 years ago on this day, I was in grade school. I think it was a Tuesday. During the day, we kids were oblivious to the news until we were putting up our chairs around 2:00pm. I remember that the lights were turned out, and we were waiting for Mrs. B. to dismiss us. Suddenly she appeared in the doorway. Our teacher --usually a cheerful and vibrant woman-- addressed the class with tears in her eyes.

"Today something terrible happened. We are safe, but your parents will explain more to you when you get home."

As I walked through the neighborhood, I wondered what had happened. When I arrived home, both my parents' cars were in the driveway. They had come home from work early-- a sign that something was not right. I walked straight into the living room where both my mother and father sat watching, shocked, as the footage rolled on the television. The images were surreal and terrible. It took hours for me to piece together the story, but I was concerned for my family. Aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, friends-- they all lived and working around the city, but they were fine. But my mother had cried saying,

"If they went for the Empire State Building next, or the Statue of Liberty, I wouldn't be able to stand it."

Ten years have passed, but the shock has not worn away. The dull pain of great loss and anger at the violation of our homeland has turned from patriotic acts to aggressive retaliation. It sickens me to think that in the eyes of the world, Americans are more apt to racial profiling and "tightening security" than promoting healing for our broken country. As a nation under God, I pray that those who represent the American people would remember that the United States was founded upon heretofore unheard of principles, and that without His grace and constant guidance it would not be the glorious nation it is today. Let us not forget that our words and actions of today affect posterity for all time. Therefore, let our citizens and leaders treat each other with respect and integrity so that our children will know a civil and morally upstanding world.

Finally Home

Well, I've been finished with my final exams, papers, and projects for a week now. Friends and classmates have packed up all their belongings and returned home, and after three days of washing and drying clothes, sorting socks, and folding and organizing my linens, shirts, dresses, shorts, and jeans, I think I'm finally ready to say that I'm home for the summer.

But as much as I like sleeping in my own bed, eating home-cooked meals, playing with my animals, and being with my family, I desperately miss my life at school. When I'm at school, I feel so mature and organized. My life is straight-forward and scheduled, and I can be the person I want to be when I'm around my friends at school.

It's ironic that I have to guard myself around my own family so that I can keep peace in the household. My parents were both raised in Christian households and are somewhat comfortable in their faith, but neither my brother nor my sister have accepted Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior. It upsets me that as much as I try to live life as a Christian woman, my family does not always respect the faiths and denominations of others.

I really miss my friends who understand my devotion and my convictions in faith, and with whom I can talk freely about life. I especially miss that my friends are always there for me, no matter if they've had a difficult week. I love my parents, and I know they love me, but sometimes I feel that I am intruding on their time and happiness when I have a problem. When I was younger, I would run to my mom or dad for every little problem-- but now I feel that when I'm upset about something, they don't really want to hear about it. Even if it is something significant, I feel that I am more able to pray about it, ask my friends for advice, or just suppress it, rather than tell my parents how I feel. As I have grown I have come to see my parents as peers, because I have seen them struggle with financial, legal, logistical, and emotional problems just like any other person would. When you are young, you take for granted the fact that you have a roof over your head, food in your pantry, and clothing on your back; when you become an adult you begin to witness the daily sacrifices that your parents make in order to continue providing these things for you. The more I know about what goes on behind the scenes in my parents' lives, the less I want to contribute to the already heavy burden that they carry with my own life questions. I want them to be as happy as possible, and I feel that the best way for me to help this is to withdraw from them. And even if they had no other worries, I doubt they would want to hear about my insignificant problems.

It's just frustrating, because when I'm here away from my friends and peers at school, I don't think anyone in my family can comfort me or understand me the way I want to be understood. Perhaps this is a way that God is testing my faith-- asking me to come to Him before all others.

A Moment Captured

Outside my window...it’s dark, and there is a fire alarm going off on the other side of campus, but it’s warm and Springy!

I am thankful for ...my mom, my dad, my sister, my brother, and my friends who understand and care about me in more ways than I can count.

I am remembering ...the movie and ice cream nights that I’ve had with my friends this year after long weeks of schoolwork.

On my mind ...the difficult realization that I came to yesterday afternoon and how I am going to deal with it the last few weeks of school.

From the learning room ...women can be leaders!

From the kitchen ...tea and mint ice cream to make me feel better after a rough day.

I am wearing ...shorts (first time in 2011!), a long-sleeve shirt, and a cardigan.

I am creating ...a list of potential graduate schools to research for next year.

I am going ...to go downstairs in a bit and call my deerie.

I am reading … “See Jane Lead: 99 Ways for Women to Take Charge at Work”, and the Holy Bible.

I am hoping ...that I can continue to ask the Lord to guide me as I navigate the challenges of college life.

I am hearing ...the soundtrack of “Annie” and other Broadway classics from my Pandora station.

Around the house ...well, my dorm room is somewhat cluttered at the moment, as my clothes are hung all around to dry after laundry this morning.

One of my favorite things ...spending time drinking tea and reading in the gorgeous sunshine.

A few plans for the rest of the week ...mostly homework—essays galore, final exams, and lots of event planning for the last week of school.

Here is a picture thought I am sharing ...

Let it out

Today the world seems to be letting it all go.

Yesterday was a rough day, full of anticipation for finals, anxiety about friends, end-of-year frustration, and pent-up energy. To make it worse, the weather was grey, chilly, and ominous all day. I awoke today to the sound of heavy rain outside. It was almost as if the sky couldn't take the suspense, and let loose the torrents of water that have now soaked the campus. The suspense is over for me as well. I finished the last exam of my sophomore year, and now instead of studying or puttering around in my room as I have been doing the past few days, I am free to do whatever I like.

The small trickle of residents that I've been signing out of their rooms over the past week has turned into a stream of inventories, room checks, and goodbye hugs. Tomorrow the rest of my freshman (now sophomores,) will lock their rooms for the last time, and move out for the summer. My emotions are starting to get the better of me, as I've begun to realize that this is not just a break, and that the people I've seen every day for the past ten months will no longer be living with me. Come Saturday, I'll no longer be an RA, and by next week, I'll officially be free of school for the 2009-2010 year.

So much has happened in the past year, I can't even begin to comprehend it. The weeks slipped by too quickly, and for all my longing to be done with school, I know that I'll miss it as soon as I'm home. I've been trying to pray more often, and with my hyper-sensitivity about the end of the year, I'm finding a lot more to pray about.

My poor friend, Katie, was spending the last few days of school here, waiting to take her final on Thursday. We had been planning wonderful trips and adventures to get us through the week, but all of it was cut short when she got sick on Monday. I had been bringing her soup and other things throughout the week in hopes that she would get better and be able to have some fun before going home, but today I called from the dining hall to ask if she needed anything, and she told me she was in the hospital with what they thought was a "ruptured appendix". I've been praying for her health and recovery, but there is no way that she will be well enough to attend her exam and move out on time.

The end of the school year was always busy in high school, middle school, and elementary school, but I never expected it to be like that in college! I can only hope that this overwhelming flow of events and emotions slows down within the next few days and leads into a relaxing summer.

Wrapping it up

Gosh, this past month has been absolutely crazy. I've been writing papers, sending in scholarships, running events for the dorm, taking exams, reading books, having meetings, going on field trips...and the list goes on and on! Last night was the first night in weeks that I was able to sit and read my Bible before bed, a ritual that I have tried to carry on since the beginning of February as one of my goals for the semester. I have been reading along with a daily Bible study guide, and although it is very helpful in motivating me, I felt like a slacker when I realized that I am a month and a half behind on readings. Such is life as an RA.
It is strange to think that this lull I have been experiencing the past few days is not the normal mid-week sluggishness that has followed me throughout the year, but the beginning of hibernation before finals. My residents are locked away in their rooms studying and sleeping, only emerging between the hours of 8PM and 10PM to eat and socialize. Those who don't have looming final exams are mostly at home until next week, and so the hallways and lounges are eerily silent.

Looking back on the past semester, I realize how much I will miss being an RA next year. Sure, it'll be fun moving back to my old dorm, where my old friends are; but there is just something about hearing the pitter-patter of feet in the bathrooms, the giggling of girls from the room above me, the sound of slamming doors and crazy music drifting through the hallways, the special little notes left on my door, the quiet conversations whispered in my room, and the rowdy lounge gatherings at one in the morning. When dealing with an incident on a Thursday night, I would always think, "why did I ever agree to this job in the first place? Who would be crazy enough to want to work with these kids?". But then I would come back from midnight rounds to find twelve people in the lounge who were eager to find fellowship and friendship in each other, and I would think, "who wouldn't want to be an RA? To be able to witness friendships blossoming is certainly the greatest job in the world."

What a bittersweet experience it was. I can't count the nights that I wanted to cry with frustration after an unattended meeting or social, or the many times I did something special for someone with no acknowledgment or thanks. I thought that being an RA was a thankless job until Monday, when I had a knock on my door. One of my residents, Jess, was standing there with a card she had made. She and some others had knocked on every door in the building to get people to sign the card, and they had planned to present it to me at an end of the year celebration that I had missed on Saturday.

I was shocked that she had done this for me, and that everyone had signed the card, whether they had been around this semester or not. I didn't think they cared about how hard I worked this year, or how much of my life was put on hold for them. How can I ever tell them how much this simple act meant to me, and how much their time with me has changed my life? I don't know if I can ever do it in words or deeds, but I think deep down they know.