A New Lease

In the past two years, I have lived in short spurts of activity. It began when I made the difficult decision not to pursue a graduate degree just a week before the start of term. I had to scramble to find a summer job, because I had planned to be studying instead of working during 2013. A friend came through for me and not only set aside hours for me at her summer camp, but told me to interview for an open position as the director of the local teen center. The position began immediately, and I was blessed to begin working with the children of my hometown once again.

In the autumn of 2013, I began an internship at Old Sturbridge Village, and worked there through the end of the year. I forged some meaningful new relationships with my fellow history buffs, but 

I also faced challenges with the interpretive process in such a large organization. While at Sturbridge, I was reminded that history and teaching were my two passions, and made up my mind to find a job as a museum educator. Two short months later, I was hired at Strawbery Banke Museum as a camp coordinator, interpreter, and museum teacher. It has now been a year since my first days at Strawbery Banke. I recently became the museum's Roleplaying Coordinator, and I hope that the program will grow and flourish under my direction.

In the past year, I have moved out of my childhood home, leased my first apartment, enjoyed countless days exploring my new home, run a number of camp programs, worked weekends and special events, gone on dates (not so bad), experienced one relationship (not so good), made new friends, reconnected with old friends, traveled to new places, become a bird watcher, had my first cavity, dealt with bouts of depression, continued to pay student loans, focused on advancing my career, been motivated to improve my personal habits, talked with God, considered my future, and dreamed of days to come.

Just a week ago, I signed a lease for a new apartment. It will be the first time I have lived on my own, and it is an exciting prospect. I hope that through this coming year I can use this opportunity to resolidify my faith, establish a lifestyle befitting of a young Christian woman, and reflect on the parts of my life that are most important to me.

The Year in Review

 1. What was the single best thing that happened this past year?
Completing my senior Honors thesis in history and graduating Magna Cum Laude from my alma mater!

2. What was the single most challenging thing that happened?
Continuing to overcome disappointment in myself after a difficult breakup. I've found that the period after the end of a relationship is much like a period of mourning for me. I am filled with grief at losing someone I loved and respected, disappointment in my thoughts and actions, insecurity about myself, anger at the situation, and resentment that I entered into the relationship to begin with. It takes a long time for me to heal-- a year, give or take-- but I always learn and grow from the experience.

3. What was an unexpected joy this past year?
Gaining admission to the graduate program of my dreams! My GRE scores, a number of professors, and even some family members told me not to get my hopes up, but I just knew when I opened that email that I had been blessed! I am one of 13 students admitted to the class of 2013.

4. What was an unexpected obstacle?
Finding out just a few months before graduation that I would not be allowed to graduate with University Honors. I had struggled for nearly four years to complete requirements for the Honors Program, and after some misinformation in my final semester, I decided that the program was not worth the stress. I still graduated with multiple honors, because I was able to use the energy I had once spent on fighting the Honors Program to finish my senior year with a bang.

5. Pick three words to describe 2012.
Challenging, rewarding, revitalizing.

6. Pick three words your best friend would use to describe you in 2012.
 Silly, adorable, busy.

7. Pick three words your best friend would use to describe their 2012.
Stressful, fun, educational.

8. What were the best books you read this year?
Well, as I was cleaning out our attic over the summer, I found my grandmother's Bible in an old box. She passed away when my dad was in college, so I never got to meet her, but it's been a neat experience to hold something that was once dear to her. In my continued effort to read the Bible from cover to cover, I began reading this precious edition and found surprises inside! In the book of Zechariah, I found a bookmark with a prayer on it, and pressed between the pages of Matthew, a four-leaf clover has been preserved for almost 40 years!

In other news, I read (and re-read) some excellent literature, such as Pride and Prejudice, Dances with Wolves, Little Dorritt, and Game of Thrones.

9. With whom were your most valuable relationships?
My friends from school were wonderful this year. I valued each relationship differently because they each contributed something unique to my life. My friend Kelsey always makes me laugh, and is the best person to play boardgames and watch movies with. My friend Annie gives the most comforting hugs, and was always there to talk me through a tough time. Brittney is an inspiration to me-- the way she juggles graduate school, a full-time job, and a social life is amazing. Lily and Katie provide me with a lovely vacation home when I need to escape for a few days, and it's always a blast to venture to the big city with them. Grace listens to me and prays for me when I most need it, and is always ready for a lively debate about history. Alexa, Jillian, Zeb, Victoria, Leslie, Will, Brett, and all the rest of my Hubbardians kept me motivated to be the best student and role model I could be.

10. What was your biggest personal change from January to December of this past year?
Moving home from Hubbard after graduation was one of the biggest adjustments I've ever had to make. From the moment I moved in to my residence hall as a freshman, I was in love with the community. Hubbard is full of hard-working, sensible, motivated, and caring individuals, and I loved every moment of my time as there. Leaving it all behind in May was bittersweet. I knew that even though I would no longer be involved in the Hubbard community, the residents that I loved would continue to make it the best dorm on campus.

11. In what way(s) did you grow emotionally?
In early fall, I was feeling sorry for myself because all my friends had gone back to school or were living far away from me. I kept thinking how isolated my little town was, and how desperate I was for company.Then I realized that in just a few months, I would be embarking on the adventure of a lifetime. Since that realization, I have been cheerful, excited, and ambitious. My future awaits and I plan to make the best of it!

12. In what way(s) did you grow spiritually?
Around the same time as my emotional epiphany, I heard a song on the radio that I had not heard before. It was "Forgiveness," by Matthew West, and it spoke to my heart in a way that prayer, scripture, and worship had not done in a long time. I suddenly was reminded that God forgave my sins through His Son, and that in my quest to live like Jesus, I must also forgive those who have hurt me. After a night of many tears and prayers, I finally let go of the painful and shaming memories that had burdened me for a year or more.

13. In what way(s) did you grow physically?
I started running again over the summer, and in the past few months I have found a real desire to spend time outdoors. Of course, it is difficult to make it a daily occurrence in rural New Hampshire, with the unpredictable New England weather, but I do my best! I also read a book called The Yoga Body Diet, which helped me to profile my eating and exercise tendencies. It isn't a "diet" in the strict, depriving sense of the word, but rather a change in the way you eat and digest.

14. In what way(s) did you grow in your relationships with others?
I think that in some ways I became more effective at communicating my emotions. I tend to conceal my sadness or anger so as not to seem abrasive. But too many times I have waited for someone to comfort me, only to result in the frustration of both parties. Numerous times in 2012 I found myself in a difficult situation, and by acting on the emotional charge of the moment I was able to find a productive outlet that could be more easily communicated to others.

15. What was the most enjoyable part of your work (both professionally and at home)?
Working with children is an amazing experience, because it requires me to live what I teach. In 2012, I had so many opportunities to be a role model for the children in my community! I was a summer camp director, substitute teacher, and playgroup assistant. Each position varied in depth and duration, but I like to think that my involvement in the daily lives of the kids I work with has made a positive impression.

16. What was the most challenging part of your work (both professionally and at home)?
Being the bad guy. I don't like to be "the mean counselor" or "the strict teacher". It is tough to say "no" and stick with it. But I have high expectations for others, and I think that setting boundaries in school, camp, or playgroup, is the best way to ensure safety and respect for everyone.

17. What was your single biggest time waster in your life this past year?
Pinterest. Hands down. I don't necessarily think it is a waste of time, but when I consider all the mending or extra cleaning that I could have accomplished in the 15 minutes before dinner, it is definitely a time sucker.

18. What was the best way you used your time this past year?
Hehehe. I discovered that ironing and sewing while catching up on BBC dramas is not only an effective use of time, but it is a motivator for me to finish projects! If I have something really juicy to watch, like Little Dorritt or Sense and Sensibility, I am more likely to set aside the time to sew.

19. What was biggest thing you learned this past year?
I learned that sometimes the most coveted treasure is not worth the price. Sometimes, the thing you think you want most, is the thing that you cannot have. And while bemoaning your bad luck, you'll find unexpected blessings in the least obvious places.

20. Create a phrase or statement that describes 2012 for you.
"Keep going. Even on the foggiest day, you must believe in your own ability to navigate the road ahead."

It Really is A Wonderful Life

As far as I can tell, I have struggled with depression for nearly a decade. I have heard it said that depression is not a medical condition, but a state of mind that can be self-inflicted. In the early years, it was hardly distinguishable from my natural emotions of sadness or anger, but it soon overtook my life. To me, depression was a state of being, but it was certainly not self-inflicted. I didn't want to be uncontrollably irritable or sad. What fourteen year old girl wants to avoid her friends, spend time sobbing in her room instead of enjoying herself at parties, or fear for her future? When you have depression, it consumes you. Your heart is numb, your mind overrun with thoughts, your body aches, and your eyes are blind to what surrounds you.

Just a few weeks ago I watched the classic Christmas film "It's A Wonderful Life". I had seen it every year with my family or friends and expressed some appreciation of it, but somehow this year was different. This year I watched it at home, alone. I was surrounded by my pets, the warm glow of the gas stove, and the beauty of our family Christmas tree. In the past, I have had difficulty feeling the unseen blessings that Christmas brings. As I watched this classic tale of hope, I saw myself in the story of George Bailey. My battle with depression so often has overwhelmed me during the holidays that rejoicing in the birth of our Savior seems a foreign concept. Material matters clutter my mind, and thoughts of what I do not have cast a dark shadow over thoughts of that which I do have. But as George Bailey comes to realize that his greatest blessing is the gift that his existence brings to others, I too, realized that the depth of my despair and the greatest trials I have faced pale in comparison to the blessings that God has given me. I was born into the most loving and supportive of families. I love, and am loved by, dozens of dozens of friends and neighbors. I have a roof over my head, fresh food, clean water, and thousands of amenities which make life safe and comfortable. I have been afforded the opportunity to expand my knowledge of the world through education. I am healthy, strong, and safe despite all that is bad in the world. And I have found Truth in the life of Jesus Christ, whose deeds teach us that peace, love, mercy, and goodwill are the best gifts we can give or receive.

A November Evening

Outside my window...it is dark, cold, and it smells like late autumn. The last yellow and red leaves fell from the trees during the hurricane, and are plastered to just about everything in sight. There is woodsmoke and the rich scent of wet grass in the air.

I am thinking...that I will be glad when my parents return home tomorrow. This week has taken a lot out of me, and I’ve been longing for a quiet, cozy night with the family. I haven’t slept in my own bed all week, and I don’t quite feel myself.

I am thankful....that my family and friends are safe after Hurricane Sandy. There are so many people that have been affected by the storm, I am thankful that our house was not damaged and that no one in my town was hurt.

I am wearing...my substitute teaching clothes! Grey tights, a blue patterned dress, and a navy blue cardigan.

I am hearing...the quiet noises of an empty house. The kitchen clock is ticking, the gas stove is settling, the animals are moving around, and the old floorboards are creaking under my chair.

I am pondering...the importance of self-control. For the past two nights I have found myself eating far too much Halloween candy, and almost immediately regretting it. Over the weekend I found a book that uses yoga practices to promote control of the body and mind. This morning I ordered it for myself (something I rarely do) because I feel that I need some structure to support my current lifestyle. 

I am wondering...whether I will have enough motivation to clean my room tonight. Otherwise I’ll have to spend another night downstairs. This past week, I was so preoccupied with parties, houseguests, hurricanes, work, and chores, that I didn’t take much time to do anything for myself. I was in the midst of cleaning my room, doing my laundry, and organizing my sewing projects when my parents left for their business trip. After that, all hope of finishing my individual work was lost.

I am reading...nothing at the moment. I have been trying to keep up with Bible readings when I read anything, but I seem only to be able to read my herbal healing books on a daily basis to deal with headaches, stomach aches, and cramps.

I am hoping...that this weekend I will have the opportunity to get started on a new healthy-living routine. I specifically used my trip to the grocery to buy flax seed, tofu, and lots of fruit. Tomorrow I hope to cleanse my system of all that Halloween candy, and make some vegetarian inspired snacks and meals.

I am going...to see Barack Obama and Bill Clinton on Sunday. I haven’t taken advantage of any political events this election season, but I came up with a fabulous tee shirt slogan, and I’m planning to wear it to a rally in the capital. Here’s a sneak peek: “I’ve got a history degree, but even I’d rather move FORWARD than backward!” It came to me as I was thinking about how scarily backward Romney’s and Ryan’s views on women are.

I am smelling...a stinky dog. I think I should give her a bath tonight. :-P

I am noticing...how much I have to get done before tomorrow afternoon! Clean house, strip beds, bathe dog, wash dishes, do laundry, take down Halloween decorations, cook down pumpkins for canning, put away laundry, bake, start healthy living routine, get Thanksgiving decorations up, put out campaign signs, run errands, etc. Yikes.
 

I am remembering...some of the wonderful things God has done for me lately. He is so good!

This may come as a shock, but...

With all the political uproar surrounding human rights in America, I feel that I must make myself clear about my personal beliefs. Firstly:

I identify as a Christian. But I do not subscribe to a specific sect of Christianity because I find that Christian philosophy is just one aspect of my spiritual self. I do not believe that Christianity is the "one true religion" or the "only way to salvation", because I think that truth reveals itself to each person in a different way. For instance, I find truth in the life and teachings of Jesus Christ. But I also find truth in the words of Martin Luther King Jr., the wisdom of the Buddha, and the Zodiac. My faith and spirituality are my own. No one should be able to tell me if my soul is "saved" or not, because ultimately the God which I believe in is the judge of my soul. I do not condemn others, even if they do not share my faith. Jesus taught the Golden Rule-- to love others as you love yourself. This rule translates across all faiths, cultures, and beliefs.

I identify as a political Liberal. It is a source of constant amazement to me that people believe Christianity and Liberalism to be mutually exclusive. I believe in fair and equal opportunity for all people. Isn't that what Jesus wanted as well? He taught His followers to pray for God's "kingdom [to] come, [His] will be done on earth as it is in heaven." How are we to create a heavenly kingdom on earth if we cannot treat each other with respect and love? Humans are humans no matter their sex, age, gender, race, culture, faith, class, ability, sexual orientation, or interests. Limiting human rights should not be the role of anyone, much less a government which bases its existence on premises of liberty.

Despite my strong self-identification as both a Christian and a Liberal, I do not believe that a person should be classified by one identity or another. Therefore, I have listed the many other complex things by which I am identified. Keep in mind that any one of these things cannot fully describe who I am, so look at me in the entirety of my personal identities.

I am:

• a feminist
• a woman
• the descendent of immigrants
• an American
• a student
• a nurturer
• an historian
• a seamstress
• a gardener
• a lover of nature
• a sister
• a daughter
• a niece
• a granddaughter
• a friend
• silly
• clumsy
• feminine
• educated
• intelligent
• a musician
• and so much more! 

So when you speak or act, think about how it will affect other people and their happiness, instead of how it will affect your personal identities and happiness.

Spring is Here...and HOW!

Let it be known that today, March 22nd 2012, I spent an 85 degree day at the ocean. I dipped my feet in the frigid waters of the Atlantic, sat on the rocks, basked in the sun, collected trinkets at the beach, and gained a few dozen freckles. It was glorious.

The past week has been absolutely gorgeous-- and I don't mean that in the sense that I usually do at this time of year. Once upon a time, I considered 45 degrees and sunny to be the mildest March weather. In a traditional New Hampshire spring, a 45 degree day is rare, and one can generally count on a Nor'easter to sweep the region in the days following. But this week has been the warmest on record; five consecutive days of sun, blue skies, and temperatures above 75 degrees.

In many ways, I am taking the events of this week as a sign from the heavens. On Monday, I had a long talk with God. Since October, I have been an emotional wreck. I haven't allowed myself to be truly happy or appreciative of the blessings around me, and I've fallen away from the confidence and happiness that I have spent the past four years creating for myself.

Much of this emotional unrest has had to do with a relationship that I fell into at the beginning of the fall. In December, all that I had invested in this relationship-- my love, care, time, trust, expectations, physical and spiritual being, personal standards, happy moments, heartfelt discussions, and shared experiences-- was ripped away. I felt shipwrecked, trying to cling to one of these things to stay afloat as dark waves crashed over me. But collecting splintered wood will not help to restore the majesty of the ship.

As the weeks and months went on I tried to keep life in the relationship, even as friends. I am not the sort of person who will push people out of my life. I try as hard as I can to maintain contact and good feelings with others, and the months following our breakup were no different. My friends told me that I had every right to be angry at him--- he was the one who dumped me, after all-- but I still thought that kindness, interest, and friendly outreach would help us both to move on. After too many nights of frustrating conversations, lukewarm interactions, and angry tears, I asked God to show me what He wanted me to see in this situation.

Since my Monday conversation with God, I have been feeling lighter, clearer, and warmer. I have been able to let go of the feelings that have gripped my heart and soul for the past four months. It will take a long time before I can completely move on from this, but God has shown me what He wants me to focus on right now: my future.

The future can be so unclear sometimes. When you're young it looms ahead of you on the path of life, making every step toward it seem like a great burden. Sometimes it looks green and bright, like a beautiful spring day inviting you to run toward it and bask in its glory. Other times it can act like a fat black thundercloud threatening to block out the sun. The funny thing about it is that as long as you walk, and as many steps as you take, you never really get any closer. New experiences wait for you along the path, and sometimes you gather new friends as you walk along.

This week, God has revealed the future as a beautiful spring day. His reminders to me have been in the clear blue skies, the new green grass, the timid purple flowers, the cool and caressing breeze, and the warm sunshine on my skin. My future will be clear, bright, and happy.

Prayer for Cleansing and Pardon

Well, I'm back at school for my last semester as an undergraduate. It is really a bittersweet feeling-- and due to some unhappy circumstances at the end of last semester, I was very anxious about returning. For comfort, I had been working my way through the book of 2 Chronicles as well as the book of Psalms each night before bed. One night, not long ago, I prayed that God would give me the strength, courage, and grace to return to school and put things right. Then I opened my bible to this Psalm, Psalm 51:

"Have mercy on me, O God, according to your steadfast love; according to your steadfast mercy blot out my transgressions. Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin. For I know my transgressions and my sin is ever before me. Against you, you alone, have I sinned, and done what is evil in your sight, so that you are justified in your sentence and blameless when you pass judgement. Indeed, I was born guilty, a sinner when my mother conceived me. You desire truth in the inward being; therefore teach me wisdom in my secret heart. Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean; wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow. Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones that you have crushed rejoice. Hide your face from my sins, and blot out all my iniquities.
Create in me a clean heart, O God, and put a new and right spirit within me. Do not cast me away from your presence, do not take your holy spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and sustain in me a willing spirit. Then I will teach transgressors your ways, and sinners will return to you.
Deliver me from bloodshed, O God, O God of my salvation, and my tongue will sing aloud of your deliverance. O Lord, open my lips, and my mouth will declare your praise. For you have no delight in sacrifice; if I were to give you a burnt offering, you would not be pleased. The sacrifice acceptable to God is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise. Do good to Zion in your good pleasure; rebuild the walls of Jerusalem, then you will delight in right sacrifices, in burnt offerings and whole burnt offerings; then bulls will be offered on your altar."

Because I had strayed far from Him in the dark times of the past few months, I was finally broken. And because I came to God with my fears, my praises, and my sadness, He comforted me with words and actions. Praise the Lord, for He is good, and His steadfast love endures forever!

A Blessed Christmas to All

So I've found it very difficult to keep up with this blog in the past few months. I suppose that it has something to do with the fact that I am in my last year of college, but I think there may be more to it than the usual excuse of academic obligations. In any case, I want to share a few thoughts about Christmas before I go into blog hibernation once again.

Throughout middle school and high school, I struggled to enjoy Christmas the way that everyone around me seemed to. After a few consecutive Christmases working to buy just the right gift for everyone, baking every cookie I could manage, and trying to attend every party, I realized that nothing I was doing was helping to make the holiday itself special and meaningful to me. I began to reflect on what always made Christmastime special to me. Surprisingly, I found that it had nothing to do with the gifts I received, the decorations that I used, the food I ate, or the parties I attended. What makes Christmas special to me is the time that I spend with my family and the closeness I feel to God when I devote myself to a holiday of love and compassion.

A year ago, I made the conscious decision to forgo the commercialism of Christmas. I no longer give gifts outside of my immediate family, and the few gifts that I give are homemade. Although the rest of my family and my friends buy their cards and gifts, I feel that I give more of myself when the gift I give is handmade. This may seem too simple and somewhat shallow, but it is amazing how it has changed my outlook on Christmas.

Think of how much time can be devoted to family and reflection on the meaning of the holiday when one is not spending hours and hours in the crowded mall! While it is sometimes nice to go out in the evening, especially to see stores decorated for the season, too much stimulation can be distracting & often destructive. Seeing all the lovely things in stores can be tempting, and when we concentrate on our own desires we forget the needs of others. We put too much emphasis on the giving and receiving of gifts in this society, and it would do us good to remember that the true gift in our lives is that of the life of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, the Prince of Peace, Emmanuel.

Without expectations of gifts, with extra time for reflection and prayer, and without all the extra "trimmings" of a secular Christmas, it becomes a simple and beautiful holiday to remember the birth of our Lord and Savior.

One of my favorite inspirational websites is Beliefnet.com, which gives quite a few other ideas on how to keep "Christ" in "Christmas". http://www.beliefnet.com/Faiths/Christianity/Christmas/21-Ways-to-Keep-Christ-in-Christmas.aspx

I hope that Christmas is a blessed holiday for all!

Thanksgiving

For so many, Thanksgiving is just an excuse to watch football and consume copious amounts of fattening food. Even those who know their God and talk with Him daily often forget to truly give thanks for all that He has blessed them with. I know I forget. So here are things that I am thankful for:

1. Family
2. Friends
3. Pets
4. Food
5. Clean water
6. A place to live
7. Fresh air to breath
8. Access to medical care
9. The opportunity to have an education
10. The opportunity to have a college degree
11. The opportunity to pursue a career
12. The right to vote
13. Clothing
14. Shoes
15. Music
16. The Bible
17. Access to technology
18. Electricity
19. A car
20. A bike
21. Medicine
22. Disposable income
23. A bed
24. Pillows and blankets
25. A sewing machine
26. The skills to make it through every day
27. Exposure to culture
28. Literacy
29. The opportunity to work for minimum wage
30. Having been born in America
31. My ancestors who came before me
32. Those who sacrificed their lives for my right to live as I do now
33. Living under a democratic government
34. Having the choice to make my life what it is
35. The opportunity to worship as I please
36. My faith
37. My Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ
38. The gift of song that God has given me
39. My health
40. Access to the news
41. Good people in power in my local and national government
42. People who care about me
43. My work experience
44. Relationships from the past
45. My relationships now
46. Mentors who have guided me through my life
47. My loving boyfriend
48. The power of prayer
49. Leisure time
50. The ability to move and be active on my own

These blessings are just a few of the many that make up my life, but even though the others are not listed, I am no less thankful for them. I pray that you will also think of the blessings in your life and thank God for what He has done for you, just as those present at the first Thanksgiving must have done.

Have a Blessed Thanksgiving!

On This Historic Day...

10 years ago on this day, I was in grade school. I think it was a Tuesday. During the day, we kids were oblivious to the news until we were putting up our chairs around 2:00pm. I remember that the lights were turned out, and we were waiting for Mrs. B. to dismiss us. Suddenly she appeared in the doorway. Our teacher --usually a cheerful and vibrant woman-- addressed the class with tears in her eyes.

"Today something terrible happened. We are safe, but your parents will explain more to you when you get home."

As I walked through the neighborhood, I wondered what had happened. When I arrived home, both my parents' cars were in the driveway. They had come home from work early-- a sign that something was not right. I walked straight into the living room where both my mother and father sat watching, shocked, as the footage rolled on the television. The images were surreal and terrible. It took hours for me to piece together the story, but I was concerned for my family. Aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, friends-- they all lived and working around the city, but they were fine. But my mother had cried saying,

"If they went for the Empire State Building next, or the Statue of Liberty, I wouldn't be able to stand it."

Ten years have passed, but the shock has not worn away. The dull pain of great loss and anger at the violation of our homeland has turned from patriotic acts to aggressive retaliation. It sickens me to think that in the eyes of the world, Americans are more apt to racial profiling and "tightening security" than promoting healing for our broken country. As a nation under God, I pray that those who represent the American people would remember that the United States was founded upon heretofore unheard of principles, and that without His grace and constant guidance it would not be the glorious nation it is today. Let us not forget that our words and actions of today affect posterity for all time. Therefore, let our citizens and leaders treat each other with respect and integrity so that our children will know a civil and morally upstanding world.

Finally Home

Well, I've been finished with my final exams, papers, and projects for a week now. Friends and classmates have packed up all their belongings and returned home, and after three days of washing and drying clothes, sorting socks, and folding and organizing my linens, shirts, dresses, shorts, and jeans, I think I'm finally ready to say that I'm home for the summer.

But as much as I like sleeping in my own bed, eating home-cooked meals, playing with my animals, and being with my family, I desperately miss my life at school. When I'm at school, I feel so mature and organized. My life is straight-forward and scheduled, and I can be the person I want to be when I'm around my friends at school.

It's ironic that I have to guard myself around my own family so that I can keep peace in the household. My parents were both raised in Christian households and are somewhat comfortable in their faith, but neither my brother nor my sister have accepted Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior. It upsets me that as much as I try to live life as a Christian woman, my family does not always respect the faiths and denominations of others.

I really miss my friends who understand my devotion and my convictions in faith, and with whom I can talk freely about life. I especially miss that my friends are always there for me, no matter if they've had a difficult week. I love my parents, and I know they love me, but sometimes I feel that I am intruding on their time and happiness when I have a problem. When I was younger, I would run to my mom or dad for every little problem-- but now I feel that when I'm upset about something, they don't really want to hear about it. Even if it is something significant, I feel that I am more able to pray about it, ask my friends for advice, or just suppress it, rather than tell my parents how I feel. As I have grown I have come to see my parents as peers, because I have seen them struggle with financial, legal, logistical, and emotional problems just like any other person would. When you are young, you take for granted the fact that you have a roof over your head, food in your pantry, and clothing on your back; when you become an adult you begin to witness the daily sacrifices that your parents make in order to continue providing these things for you. The more I know about what goes on behind the scenes in my parents' lives, the less I want to contribute to the already heavy burden that they carry with my own life questions. I want them to be as happy as possible, and I feel that the best way for me to help this is to withdraw from them. And even if they had no other worries, I doubt they would want to hear about my insignificant problems.

It's just frustrating, because when I'm here away from my friends and peers at school, I don't think anyone in my family can comfort me or understand me the way I want to be understood. Perhaps this is a way that God is testing my faith-- asking me to come to Him before all others.

Sacrifice

Blessings on Palm Sunday!

Hosanna, loud hosanna, the little children sang;
Through pillared court and temple the lovely anthem rang.
To Jesus, who had blessed them close folded to His breast,
The children sang their praises, the simplest and the best.

From Olivet they followed mid an exultant crowd,
The victor palm branch waving, and chanting clear and loud.
The Lord of men and angels rode on in lowly state,
Nor scorned that little children should on His bidding wait.

“Hosanna in the highest!” that ancient song we sing,
For Christ is our Redeemer, the Lord of heaven our King.
O may we ever praise Him with heart and life and voice,
And in His blissful presence eternally rejoice!

http://www.hymnsite.com/midifiles/umh27820.mid

Deep Thought

In the past few days I've had the opportunity to talk with a few of my friends about the future, and what I want to do after I graduate 13 months from now (gulp)!

It's interesting, because until very recently, I haven't had many friends that I felt I could share my religious convictions and spiritual thoughts with, but suddenly I find myself surrounded by Christians who encourage and challenge me. Last Friday my friend Grace came to share her testimony with me, and after we discussed it and cried a little, we had a very deep conversation about relationships, love, purity, and family. Since 2009 I have felt particularly skittish about relationships, because the one time that I entered into an "official" relationship, I wasn't treated with respect. The entire ordeal lasted only three months, but the entire experience of being put-down, patronized, dismissed, and somewhat offended, has weighed on me heavily for nearly two years.

If someone gave me the chance now to undo what happened in 2009, I would be tempted to take the opportunity-- but then I never would have become closer to God. It was during that relationship that I prayed to God for direction, because the boy I was dating was very adamant that religion should not be a part of his life or mine. Having been raised in a Christian home, but only truly accepting Christ as my Lord and Savior during my first year in college, I was still impressionable and easily swayed. In the end, it was God that spoke to my heart saying that this was not the right place for me. My recovery took a long time, but I turned to God for support more than I ever had before, and my relationship with Him became so much stronger and more personal.

Now, after all this time feeling that I was the only Christian in a sea of people, God has revealed to me how His grace is to be seen everywhere. For one thing, He reunited me with my childhood friend Grace. Grace is a devout and enthusiastic woman of God, and her journey in faith led her path to cross mine again when she moved into a dorm room down the hall from me at the beginning of the semester. Grace is involved in many Christian-based activities around campus, and has been encouraging me to attend events and meetings with her, as well as take the time to pray out loud with each other.

The Lord has also reintroduced me to a boy whom I have known since my freshman year in college. This young man has much in common with me, and in the past three years we have often found ourselves joining the same groups, holding the same jobs, and meeting the same friends. Suddenly this semester, God saw fit to open our hearts to each other even more. We have been attending church together with some friends for a few months now, joining each other for meals, praying together, and somehow we came up with the idea to have "movie nights" every so often. Two weeks ago we watched "Singin' In the Rain" with some other residents of our dorm, and last weekend we watched "The Princess Bride".

"The Princess Bride" was not really his ideal movie (although I thought the swashbuckling adventure would have been enough to win him...), but it was really what happened after the movie that made the "movie night" most enjoyable. There was a concert on campus, so most people were out and about, and we had the downstairs lounge to ourselves. This was fine, because we were sharing our "war stories" of the Resident Assistant job, and talking about some issues that had recently come up in his staff meeting. The conversation gently diverged from the topic of social justice in college to our personal beliefs, and the beliefs of our families. From there we talked about faith, church, and how we came to be who we were. Eventually, we discussed the terrifying idea of "the real world" which looms ever nearer. I remember expressing my dismay at the prospects of settling into a career that I did not love, and in response he said something that has stayed with me. He said that while getting a job was important, and getting a job that you enjoyed was preferable, those were not the things that mattered most in life. For him, relationships with others, love, marriage, and eventually children were the things that would color his life.

The more I think about that statement, the more I fall in love with that idea. If it in God's plan for my life to find a job that I am completely satisfied with, He will make it happen. But it is more important to God that I grow up to become a godly woman, a good Christian, and a follower of His Word than anything else.

A reminder...

It feels so wonderful to be back at school, and back in the community that I love so dearly. It seems so ironic to me that despite my various commitments to my studies, clubs, student council, and sleep, I still manage to have more time for prayer, meditation, and church than I have had in months.

The church that I attend in Durham is home to a vibrant, active, well-established, and progressive congregation that I look forward to joining each week for worship. It reminds me of the church that I was raised in, before the pastor moved away and attendance fell. When I was little, I used to imagine raising my own children in the same church, but when my parents left the church, everything changed. My dad often says that he is sorry we did not have a church community growing up, but in truth, I still think of the Presbyterian church as my home. The wrinkled and soft faces kissing my cheek, the sweet (and sometimes tone deaf) voices joining together in praise, the haunting sound of the organ echoing from the vaulted Gothic ceiling, the smooth feel of the lacquered pews, and the taste of cookies and juice after each service are all vivid memories of my childhood.

When I set foot in church each Sunday that I'm at school, I feel those memories rushing back to me, and through the week I am filled with thoughts of God's love for me. How He always makes things come full circle. It's a wonderful feeling, and I'm so glad I have found a place that will help me cultivate that feeling.

Let it out

Today the world seems to be letting it all go.

Yesterday was a rough day, full of anticipation for finals, anxiety about friends, end-of-year frustration, and pent-up energy. To make it worse, the weather was grey, chilly, and ominous all day. I awoke today to the sound of heavy rain outside. It was almost as if the sky couldn't take the suspense, and let loose the torrents of water that have now soaked the campus. The suspense is over for me as well. I finished the last exam of my sophomore year, and now instead of studying or puttering around in my room as I have been doing the past few days, I am free to do whatever I like.

The small trickle of residents that I've been signing out of their rooms over the past week has turned into a stream of inventories, room checks, and goodbye hugs. Tomorrow the rest of my freshman (now sophomores,) will lock their rooms for the last time, and move out for the summer. My emotions are starting to get the better of me, as I've begun to realize that this is not just a break, and that the people I've seen every day for the past ten months will no longer be living with me. Come Saturday, I'll no longer be an RA, and by next week, I'll officially be free of school for the 2009-2010 year.

So much has happened in the past year, I can't even begin to comprehend it. The weeks slipped by too quickly, and for all my longing to be done with school, I know that I'll miss it as soon as I'm home. I've been trying to pray more often, and with my hyper-sensitivity about the end of the year, I'm finding a lot more to pray about.

My poor friend, Katie, was spending the last few days of school here, waiting to take her final on Thursday. We had been planning wonderful trips and adventures to get us through the week, but all of it was cut short when she got sick on Monday. I had been bringing her soup and other things throughout the week in hopes that she would get better and be able to have some fun before going home, but today I called from the dining hall to ask if she needed anything, and she told me she was in the hospital with what they thought was a "ruptured appendix". I've been praying for her health and recovery, but there is no way that she will be well enough to attend her exam and move out on time.

The end of the school year was always busy in high school, middle school, and elementary school, but I never expected it to be like that in college! I can only hope that this overwhelming flow of events and emotions slows down within the next few days and leads into a relaxing summer.

Wrapping it up

Gosh, this past month has been absolutely crazy. I've been writing papers, sending in scholarships, running events for the dorm, taking exams, reading books, having meetings, going on field trips...and the list goes on and on! Last night was the first night in weeks that I was able to sit and read my Bible before bed, a ritual that I have tried to carry on since the beginning of February as one of my goals for the semester. I have been reading along with a daily Bible study guide, and although it is very helpful in motivating me, I felt like a slacker when I realized that I am a month and a half behind on readings. Such is life as an RA.
It is strange to think that this lull I have been experiencing the past few days is not the normal mid-week sluggishness that has followed me throughout the year, but the beginning of hibernation before finals. My residents are locked away in their rooms studying and sleeping, only emerging between the hours of 8PM and 10PM to eat and socialize. Those who don't have looming final exams are mostly at home until next week, and so the hallways and lounges are eerily silent.

Looking back on the past semester, I realize how much I will miss being an RA next year. Sure, it'll be fun moving back to my old dorm, where my old friends are; but there is just something about hearing the pitter-patter of feet in the bathrooms, the giggling of girls from the room above me, the sound of slamming doors and crazy music drifting through the hallways, the special little notes left on my door, the quiet conversations whispered in my room, and the rowdy lounge gatherings at one in the morning. When dealing with an incident on a Thursday night, I would always think, "why did I ever agree to this job in the first place? Who would be crazy enough to want to work with these kids?". But then I would come back from midnight rounds to find twelve people in the lounge who were eager to find fellowship and friendship in each other, and I would think, "who wouldn't want to be an RA? To be able to witness friendships blossoming is certainly the greatest job in the world."

What a bittersweet experience it was. I can't count the nights that I wanted to cry with frustration after an unattended meeting or social, or the many times I did something special for someone with no acknowledgment or thanks. I thought that being an RA was a thankless job until Monday, when I had a knock on my door. One of my residents, Jess, was standing there with a card she had made. She and some others had knocked on every door in the building to get people to sign the card, and they had planned to present it to me at an end of the year celebration that I had missed on Saturday.

I was shocked that she had done this for me, and that everyone had signed the card, whether they had been around this semester or not. I didn't think they cared about how hard I worked this year, or how much of my life was put on hold for them. How can I ever tell them how much this simple act meant to me, and how much their time with me has changed my life? I don't know if I can ever do it in words or deeds, but I think deep down they know.

Blessings on Palm Sunday

Here goes, my first post on this blog. I guess I'll start out by introducing myself. My name is Maddie, I am 20 years old, and a sophomore history major. I have lived all my life in New Hampshire where I currently go to school. For the past 7 months, I have been working as a resident assistant which has been one of the most challenging jobs of my life. I am an honors student, although my procrastination habits would have you think otherwise. I enjoy a variety of activities including swing dancing, historical research, singing, sewing, drawing, yoga, horseback riding, laughing, and studying the Bible.

Although I was baptized Catholic and raised in a Presbyterian Church, I had my doubts about the Savior until my freshman year of college. I remember the exact moment when He revealed himself to me during a campus worship service. My life has changed drastically since finding Him. Jesus is indeed my strength and my salvation. It has been strange and uplifting to see the changes in my life because of Him, and I use every opportunity to sing His praises.

Today I went to church at the community church downtown for the Palm Sunday service. I had previously attended four or five churches in the area surrounding the university until I found this loving and welcoming church just three weeks ago. Our God certainly is an Awesome God in His plan for our lives. Without Him, I would never have had the courage to try this wonderful place.

It feels wonderful to praise the Lord in writing. I have never done it before, but I'm beginning to like it more and more. I hope that this is the beginning of something wonderful!