It Really is A Wonderful Life

As far as I can tell, I have struggled with depression for nearly a decade. I have heard it said that depression is not a medical condition, but a state of mind that can be self-inflicted. In the early years, it was hardly distinguishable from my natural emotions of sadness or anger, but it soon overtook my life. To me, depression was a state of being, but it was certainly not self-inflicted. I didn't want to be uncontrollably irritable or sad. What fourteen year old girl wants to avoid her friends, spend time sobbing in her room instead of enjoying herself at parties, or fear for her future? When you have depression, it consumes you. Your heart is numb, your mind overrun with thoughts, your body aches, and your eyes are blind to what surrounds you.

Just a few weeks ago I watched the classic Christmas film "It's A Wonderful Life". I had seen it every year with my family or friends and expressed some appreciation of it, but somehow this year was different. This year I watched it at home, alone. I was surrounded by my pets, the warm glow of the gas stove, and the beauty of our family Christmas tree. In the past, I have had difficulty feeling the unseen blessings that Christmas brings. As I watched this classic tale of hope, I saw myself in the story of George Bailey. My battle with depression so often has overwhelmed me during the holidays that rejoicing in the birth of our Savior seems a foreign concept. Material matters clutter my mind, and thoughts of what I do not have cast a dark shadow over thoughts of that which I do have. But as George Bailey comes to realize that his greatest blessing is the gift that his existence brings to others, I too, realized that the depth of my despair and the greatest trials I have faced pale in comparison to the blessings that God has given me. I was born into the most loving and supportive of families. I love, and am loved by, dozens of dozens of friends and neighbors. I have a roof over my head, fresh food, clean water, and thousands of amenities which make life safe and comfortable. I have been afforded the opportunity to expand my knowledge of the world through education. I am healthy, strong, and safe despite all that is bad in the world. And I have found Truth in the life of Jesus Christ, whose deeds teach us that peace, love, mercy, and goodwill are the best gifts we can give or receive.

February

Each time I transition to or from school, I seem to experience a significant lag between posts. Perhaps it is because I am so constantly busy at school during the first weeks of the semester, or perhaps it is because, as a history major, I write papers so often that the thought of composing anything else seems a chore. Whatever the case, I must continue to remember that I write this blog because I enjoy writing and recording the events of my life-- not because I am obligated to do so.

That being said, here is a brief update on the life of Maddie since I've been back to school:

1. I'm almost finished applying to graduate school programs at George Washington University, University of Delaware, Northeastern University, and Salem State University
2. I have simultaneously been applying to positions within the Residential Life departments of the aforementioned schools
3. UD is my top choice, although it's FAR from home (probably close to 8 hours by car)
   
4. I've jumped back into social life with a vigor-- I'm determined to make the most of my last semester as an undergraduate!
5. I've been working on organizing my Honors thesis so that I'll be able to graduate with High Honors, University Honors, Honors-In-Major, and be a part of the National History Honor Society
6. It's rather a lot of work. 40 pages to be written between the end of February and April!
7. I lost a lot of confidence and faith in myself and others at the end of last semester, and I know I've been holding onto anger, regret, and a sense of loss. But as long as I concentrate on positivity, a keeping an open mind, and the support of my friends and mentors, I will make it through
8. As always, I've been keeping myself busy organizing Hall Council events-- the first HubClub of the semester is this coming Thursday!

That's about all I can think of for now, but I'll be sure to check in again if I think of anything else.

Prayer for Cleansing and Pardon

Well, I'm back at school for my last semester as an undergraduate. It is really a bittersweet feeling-- and due to some unhappy circumstances at the end of last semester, I was very anxious about returning. For comfort, I had been working my way through the book of 2 Chronicles as well as the book of Psalms each night before bed. One night, not long ago, I prayed that God would give me the strength, courage, and grace to return to school and put things right. Then I opened my bible to this Psalm, Psalm 51:

"Have mercy on me, O God, according to your steadfast love; according to your steadfast mercy blot out my transgressions. Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin. For I know my transgressions and my sin is ever before me. Against you, you alone, have I sinned, and done what is evil in your sight, so that you are justified in your sentence and blameless when you pass judgement. Indeed, I was born guilty, a sinner when my mother conceived me. You desire truth in the inward being; therefore teach me wisdom in my secret heart. Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean; wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow. Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones that you have crushed rejoice. Hide your face from my sins, and blot out all my iniquities.
Create in me a clean heart, O God, and put a new and right spirit within me. Do not cast me away from your presence, do not take your holy spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and sustain in me a willing spirit. Then I will teach transgressors your ways, and sinners will return to you.
Deliver me from bloodshed, O God, O God of my salvation, and my tongue will sing aloud of your deliverance. O Lord, open my lips, and my mouth will declare your praise. For you have no delight in sacrifice; if I were to give you a burnt offering, you would not be pleased. The sacrifice acceptable to God is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise. Do good to Zion in your good pleasure; rebuild the walls of Jerusalem, then you will delight in right sacrifices, in burnt offerings and whole burnt offerings; then bulls will be offered on your altar."

Because I had strayed far from Him in the dark times of the past few months, I was finally broken. And because I came to God with my fears, my praises, and my sadness, He comforted me with words and actions. Praise the Lord, for He is good, and His steadfast love endures forever!

January Morning

Outside my window- The sun has risen on another bright winter day. Frost covers the neighborhood, and woodsmoke rises from chimneys up and down the street.

I am thinking about- Having a relaxing day baking with my dear sister-friend Emily.

From the kitchen- I need another cup of tea. PG Tips is too wonderful to go without.

I am creating- A multitude of winter "use-it-up" projects. Including a rag rug, quilted potholders, and a few new dresses for swing dancing.

I am reading- Too many books to count! Let's see-- A Year of Living Biblically, Captivating...

I am hearing- Slippers on the floor, utensils in the kitchen, creaking of wicker chairs, and chirping from my little bird.

I am planning- To take a shower, bake for most of the day, then work on sewing projects until I have to run errands this evening.

I am wearing- My pajamas still! Flannel green pants, blue moccasins, and an old red sweatshirt that I got in Acadia National Park when I was eleven. Back then, it was down to my knees, but now it fits me perfectly.

My hair is- An absolute mess. I brushed it into a high ponytail last night, and when I woke up, it was snarled and curly and frizzy. I need to give in and wash it with conditioner today :-P

Around the house- There are piles of uneaten Christmas candy, new magazines and newspapers, knitting projects, winter boots, garden seeds to be catalogued for the 2012 season, graduate school applications, history books to be read for my thesis, bags of Boy Scout paperwork and handbooks, and all kinds of holiday thank-you cards ready to be sent out.

I am praying- That the Lord will continue to help me make progress in my life and live each moment as it happens. I pray that He will help me enjoy the blessings that I have today, and not dwell on dark times in the past.

Winter Show-And-Tell II

More homemade Christmas gifts:

For Daddie, a draft catcher for the front door. Thickly woven cotton filled with rice and cloves keep the front hall insulated and smelling warm and spicy!

For my brother, a polka-dot bow tie. I found this idea on Martha Stewart's website, and thought it would be perfect for a blossoming mathematician and jazz musician.

For my sister, an Infinity scarf to match the hat I made her a few years ago for Christmas. She left for a school trip to Poland a few days after Christmas, so she wasn't able to model it for me, but I think you get the idea.

For Momma, a pillow made from an old sweater of mine. It was my favorite sweater for years, but was too stretched and worn to keep wearing at school-- so I sewed it up and added some silvery buttons. It matches perfectly with the snowflake motif of her quilt!

Alright, so this wasn't really a Christmas gift, but I love it nonetheless. A year ago, my sister found a 1930's or 1940's era apron for me and I have nearly worn it out with use. I longed to copy the pattern and make a new one so that I could give the other a rest. While I was rooting around in the attic one day, I found a box of fabric from Momma's crafting days (before I was born, of course). Inside there were some large scraps of fabric that were just the right size for an apron pattern. Within 3 1/2 hours I had ironed the material, traced a pattern, and pieced together this beautifully utilitarian new apron! I wish I had a better photo, but you can still see the style of the 1930's in the voluminous waist and sweet ruffles at the bottom.

Winter Show-And-Tell

Here are just a few of the things that made their way into our holidays.

For Christmas I gave Daddie a big jar of the rosemary soap that I made over the summer. Somehow the ratio of oils was incorrect in my recipe, so most of the soap became crumbly and dry. To remedy the situation, I took a few cups of the crumbled soap, added baking soda, water, and a bit of fragrance, and boiled it into a liquid handsoap. This is extremely helpful for hardworking hands-- it removes pine pitch, motor oil, paint, and all sorts of other icky things. If unscented, it can also be used for dishes and cleaning the house. But be careful if you plan to add it to mop water-- it works so well on linoleum floors that it makes them extremely slippery!

Next we have the candles that I made for Momma for Christmas. We tend to go through quite a few candles each month, so I collect the leftover wax from tapers and votives until I have enough to melt down for a new candle. This year, I had nearly two shoeboxes full of old candles, so I had plenty of choices! To make upcycled candles, there are a number of steps.

-First I group like colors together and put them in a stainless steel bowl over a pot of simmering water.
-Stir the wax as it melts and remove any old wicks with a wooden dowel.
-Prepare new candle moulds with fresh wick-- braided 100% cotton twine is best and burns cleanest.
-To add some nice scent to my candles, I use the wax wafers produced by
Yankee Candle for "wax potpourri".These melt right along with the old candles and give the wax a more consistent color.
-When all the wax has melted, pour into the prepared moulds.

The candles that I made this year were gingerbread, lavender vanilla, and vanilla scented.

Project Wishlist

Recently I've found myself paging through knitting patterns, inspirational sewing sites, and books that I've been collecting thinking, "I could make that!". I've amassed quite a collection of bookmarks in my mind of things that I'm sure I'll get around to someday. But in the meantime, I'll have to content myself with a good old-fashioned to-do list.

Knitting:

• Mug cozies-- Scandinavian pattern for Lily
• Fingerless mittens for Ethan
• Mittens for Daddie
• Cabled headbands
• Baby sweater with locally farmed, dyed, and spun wool
• Socks!
• Fair Isle sweater
• Sweater with Scandinavian pattern
• Tablerunner for Momma
  

Sewing:

• New potholders-- quilted
• Quilt for Claire
• T-shirt quilt for myself
  
• New swing dress for Spring semester
• Undergarments! for swing dancing, etc.
• More farmer's market bags for Barb, Emily
• Aprons for myself
• Altering of old dresses
• Denim skirt
• Dog bed for Chessie
  

Other:

• Rag rug
• Hooked rug from scraps
• Tin lanterns
• Cross-stitch finished!
• Seal and label seed packets from last year
• Start seedlings for the Spring & Summer-- egg cartons
  
• Frame drawings
• Make more candles-- tapers, columns, and votives
• Homemade shampoo
• New batch of handsoap

I just know that as soon as I post this, I'll have another flood of things that I forgot to mention. But until then, I've got a good list to start from.

A Blessed Christmas to All

So I've found it very difficult to keep up with this blog in the past few months. I suppose that it has something to do with the fact that I am in my last year of college, but I think there may be more to it than the usual excuse of academic obligations. In any case, I want to share a few thoughts about Christmas before I go into blog hibernation once again.

Throughout middle school and high school, I struggled to enjoy Christmas the way that everyone around me seemed to. After a few consecutive Christmases working to buy just the right gift for everyone, baking every cookie I could manage, and trying to attend every party, I realized that nothing I was doing was helping to make the holiday itself special and meaningful to me. I began to reflect on what always made Christmastime special to me. Surprisingly, I found that it had nothing to do with the gifts I received, the decorations that I used, the food I ate, or the parties I attended. What makes Christmas special to me is the time that I spend with my family and the closeness I feel to God when I devote myself to a holiday of love and compassion.

A year ago, I made the conscious decision to forgo the commercialism of Christmas. I no longer give gifts outside of my immediate family, and the few gifts that I give are homemade. Although the rest of my family and my friends buy their cards and gifts, I feel that I give more of myself when the gift I give is handmade. This may seem too simple and somewhat shallow, but it is amazing how it has changed my outlook on Christmas.

Think of how much time can be devoted to family and reflection on the meaning of the holiday when one is not spending hours and hours in the crowded mall! While it is sometimes nice to go out in the evening, especially to see stores decorated for the season, too much stimulation can be distracting & often destructive. Seeing all the lovely things in stores can be tempting, and when we concentrate on our own desires we forget the needs of others. We put too much emphasis on the giving and receiving of gifts in this society, and it would do us good to remember that the true gift in our lives is that of the life of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, the Prince of Peace, Emmanuel.

Without expectations of gifts, with extra time for reflection and prayer, and without all the extra "trimmings" of a secular Christmas, it becomes a simple and beautiful holiday to remember the birth of our Lord and Savior.

One of my favorite inspirational websites is Beliefnet.com, which gives quite a few other ideas on how to keep "Christ" in "Christmas". http://www.beliefnet.com/Faiths/Christianity/Christmas/21-Ways-to-Keep-Christ-in-Christmas.aspx

I hope that Christmas is a blessed holiday for all!

Birthday!

So I'm finally 21. I had a wonderful birthday full of family, friends, and surprises! For the past few years I haven't been able to go home for my birthday due to previous obligations, but I finally had my chance. It was wonderful. There was a big dinner with all of our family friends, and we served spaghetti with Cincinnati chili, homemade baguettes, and vanilla cake with four layers of whipped toffee frosting. And if an entire weekend with my favorite people wasn't enough, my family surprised me with my very own sewing machine! What a wonderful way to celebrate my twenty-first year.

Valentine Love

Here are some photos of this lovely Valentine's Day. The box is full of handmade and non-handmade Valentines for my dear friends at school. I always feel that something handmade or handwritten is much more personal than something bought at a store, so I made each Valentine as unique as the friend I gave it to.

Tonight in the dorm we are going to have what we call a "Stoplight Party." I'm excited because it has been a sort of running joke since my freshman year in Hall Council that we would host this "mixer" type of party, but at the same time I feel that it could be a little awkward. Each person attending the party must wear a certain color to reflect their relationship status. Wear green if you're single, red if you're in a relationship, or yellow if it's complicated. Stoplight colors, right? The only hitch is that my dorm is the honors designated residence hall, and we tend to have many introverted residents. I will be wearing green and because dating within the hall is very common, and if everyone shows up in red, it won't be very much of a mixer for me ;-)

Either way, it should be fun to dress up and do something other than homework for the night!

A Little Bit About Me

I've had the most difficult time trying to think of creative posts, so I thought this might be a start. I love answering questions, so just ask if you think of any more!

What are you doing right now?

Drinking tea, eating chocolate, and trying to make a creative blog post.

What’s your most embarrassing moment?

I have so many, I couldn’t possibly choose one!

How many computers are in your house right now?

At home, one per person, and at least 3 laptops, so 8? (Although this is because my Daddie ran his own online business for 10 years, and we still have all the residual computers.)

What did you do on Sunday?

I went to church with a friend, and then I spent most of the day reading for my History of New Hampshire class.

Look to your right. What do you see?

My mug of tea, my electric kettle, a photo of my Momma and Daddie from before I was born, and notes from some very dear friends.

How about your left?

My semester schedule and my Bible calendar.

What’s something you really want to do right now?

Go swing dancing, go home for the weekend, or do something with my friends.

What is something you find gross?

I can’t bear it when people chew loudly. And I hate the sound of smacking lips.

Describe your perfect guy:

Someone who shares my beliefs, is a hard worker, is friendly, loves children, believes in the same political movements as myself, loves his family, loves animals, is musical, enjoys the outdoors, respects the environment, is clean and health-conscious, responsible, sweet, kind, gentle, sensitive, and loving.

What is something you are looking forward to?

The Valentine’s Day festivities!

What are your plans for tomorrow?

Hopefully I will go for another snowshoe in the woods, do some homework, and maybe see a movie.

Do you know anyone with the same birthday as you?

Elizabeth Taylor, Josh Groban, and a girl I met in English class.

How do you feel right now?

I am feeling a little cooped up, homesick, and restless.

Do you hide your feelings or show them?

I try to hide them, but I’m not very good at it :-)

Do you like to have long hair or short hair?

I have medium hair!

What do you always take with you?

My phone, my school ID, and my wallet.

What would you do if you received a long love letter?

I would write back, of course!

Last person you drove around with?

I think it was my Daddie when he brought me back to school.

What were you doing at 11 PM last night?

I was playing chess with some wonderful people in the lounge.

What color shirt are you wearing?

Navy blue.

Where would you rather live, England or Australia?

England. As far as I know, there aren’t any poisonous snakes there :-)

What do you do when you have a bad day?

“It could always be worse!”

Handmade Treasures

During the past few years, I have begun a few sewing projects, but never found the motivation to finish them. This year I was quite successful, partly because as of this past Christmas I have vowed no longer to buy gifts for people. All the work that I put into the handmade gifts for my family and friends is so much more meaningful than the money that I spend on them. These are a few of the things that I made for my family over my winter break. The mittens were one of my mom's Christmas gifts. They are the first mittens I've ever made! I received a candlemaking kit for Christmas, so I've been doing all sorts of candlemaking experiments. The green candle is bayberry scented, and the burgundy candle is unscented.

My dad is modeling his new apron and potholder. The fabric is a bold lobster print that I found in a Maine general store over the summer.

My sister is modeling the heating pillow that I made for her and for my mom out of scraps of fleece and old flannel pajamas. The pillows are filled with rice and lavender or rose petals that I saved from my garden. They can be heated in the microwave for one minute, then used as a neck pillow, or a wrap for sore joints.

Back to Life

After a long break from blogging, I've recently been inspired by some dear friends to revive my blog, and fill it with some of the wonderful things that I've done over the past few months.

Before I totally refresh this blog, here is an update on my life since October 2010:

• Fall semester finished up with a grand total of 7 final research papers, two final exams, and one massive presentation.
• I successfully survived my first semester living with a roommate since my stint as an RA !
• After a rough start to October with the deaths of a dear middle school teacher and my great uncle Jack, we (my family and I) pulled through the rest of the month to finish with a bang at our Batman-themed Halloween party.
• I met some wonderful new people at school over the course of the semester, and I am grateful for the blessing to have them in my life!
  
• As president of my residence hall, I oversaw some wonderful events including Floor Wars, Relaxation Week events, holiday food drives, and a visit to a local nursing home.
  
• I celebrated a wonderful holiday season with my family and friends, rejoicing in the birth of our Lord and the fellowship that the holidays bring!

I am thankful for the blessings of the past year, and I hope that 2011 will prove to be just as lovely!